Windows to the soul

I guess I am going to be a very poor veterinarian...
My friend Kristi (my little financial advisor who tells me to 'just fire the maid') would shake her head at me. That's right, down on the island my roomies and I wanted to fire our maid because she wasn't cleaning. I told Jason and Scott they had to do it, I couldn't. Kristi laughs at me, says I am too soft, and what is wrong with me that I can't fire a maid. (laughing). I am nearly done with my clinical year at school. I am going on my externship at an emergency hospital in 3 weeks. But before I even went back to school, I worked at many emergency hospitals...all the time thinking to myself "I am glad I am not the doctor, I don't have to deal with THAT". Well, time is growing short for me and I do NOT know how to deal with things like what happened this last Thursday night.
Thursday night (5pm) we got a 4 year old neutered male German Shepherd who had been Hit by a Car from the referring veterinarian who was over an hour away. The rDVM had placed two cephalic catheters, started shock doses of fluids and sent him to us. Hearing decreased lung sounds, I immediately did thoracocentesis and pulled about 1L of air, did abdominocentesis, but did not get anything. Took rads, arterial blood gases, placed bilateral nasal O2, ECG (no arrythmias as of yet), started Hetastarch with LRS, and Buprenorphine. At 10pm, I finally got the dog tucked away in bed and I was going to run home to let my dogs out and come right back to school. The clinician and I were going to meet because at that point, we were sure his lungs were re-filling with air. The clinician says to wait, he can't get approved for Care Credit. (Care Credit is an financial thing people can apply for to have emergency funds available to them). The owner has no way to leave any sort of deposit. I am not sure of the conversations that transpired between the rDVM or with the client about finances, but there was a breakdown somewhere. I spent 5 hours working on this dog and then was told I had to disconnect and pull everything. I felt so disheartened. I nearly started crying when I was pulling the nasal O2 and the fluids. I capped off the catheters and left them (the rDVM tech rode with the owner in the car since he had fluids running between the rDVM and us. I bolused his last bit of Buprenorphine (strong pain medication) and loaded him on the guerney to go to the car.
Looking into those eyes, as I was unhooking everything I really and truly felt like I was disconnecting everything from a dead animal. I just couldn't get past putting him back in the car like he was. I know this is school and we find teaching funds and money from 'places' oftentimes for cases, but I do know that is not how it works in the real world, I have seen that first hand. But, working as a tech, I never heard those conversations in the room with the clients about money aspects. How do you turn them away if they don't have any money? How do you turn away a dying pet that doesn't understand why no one can't/or won't help him?

How do those eyes hold so much soul? How do they hold so much feeling? How can they beg for you to save them? How can they speak to my heart using no words at all?

I want to be the best veterinarian I can be. I know these roads have been traveled many times by those before me, but now it is time for me to find my way down this road. Right now, it seems such a dark, gloomy, and confusing road. But, I know the sun will shine through the trees on my journey on this twisty path.